1. Literally shitting yourself…
2. …or shitting ON someone else.
3. Having multiple people looking at your vagina at all times with your legs spread way the heck open.
4. And sometimes having it feel like those people are talking to your vagina and not you.
5. Asking, “What the heck is going on?”, but not having anyone answer you.
6. Someone shoving their fingers up to their elbow in you to check your dilation.
7. A bunch of strangers cutting your body open if you’re having a c-section.
8. Having contractions every few minutes — imagine period cramps, then multiply that by, like, 100. It’s bad!
9. Having a catheter tube shoved up your pee hole…and then having to pee into a bag.
10. Sweating so much that it feels like you’re constantly DRENCHED in water.
11. Not being able to eat for like 12+ hours.
12. Delivering the placenta, which feels like a second birth.
13. Not being able to leave the hospital until you make a bowel movement.
14. Constantly being asked if you’ve farted yet (to get that BM going!)
15. And when you do, being way more terrified of the pooping experience than the childbirth itself.
16. Having a post-birth uterus “massage” that hurts like a literal bitch.
17. Worrying you’re going to rip from your vagina to your butthole…
18. …and then sometimes ACTUALLY ripping from your vagina to your butthole.
19. On rare occasions, having to be CUT from your vagina to your butt!
20. Not being able to laugh without being in pain after giving birth…
21. …or sometimes even stand, for that matter.
22. Having people ~calmly~ telling you how to breathe or reciting “hee hee ho” while you feel like screaming (and do scream).
23. Having to use a squirt bottle on your lady parts afterwards because you cannot wipe!
24. Having your stomach feel like a giant blob of dough because, ya know, it’s still huge even after the baby comes out.
25. Needing to wear ice packs on your vagina after giving birth.
26. Or wearing an abdominal binder to literally keep your guts from falling out.
27. And finally, having to wear what’s basically a diaper for weeks after to help soak up all the residual blood, etc. — ~SUPER. CHILL.~