“I kept thinking of reasons to put off children.”
“As I hit my thirties and got married, I kept thinking of reasons to put off children: work, my dogs, wanting a few more years of traveling, etc. Then at 34, I decided to go off birth control and I got pregnant within 2 weeks. Instead of feeling excited, I was honestly completely terrified. It wasn’t just the childbirth part that gave me anxiety (although those ‘what to expect’ books are freaking horror novels in themselves), it was all of it: being home for months with a newborn, not sleeping, losing my identity, my career, my body, and my freedom. I also had horrific morning sickness and really hated everything about being pregnant. I was assured by everyone it was just hormonal. I ended up miscarrying at 11 weeks and I felt so incredibly guilty about it. I blamed myself for having all of those feelings.
A few friends of mine were pregnant around the same time and after they started having babies, I had a flood of different emotions like sadness, excitement, grief, but mostly relief, which made me feel even more guilty. I got back on birth control and decided I was not ready. Then the feeling of being ready never came.”